Solitude

"It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts. ~K.T. Jong".

Last night, while lying on the bed for quite some time, I suddenly realized that I was speaking to myself. The thoughts which came to my mind suddenly made me realize that its long since I have thought anything about myself. I had been visiting others so frequently but its long since I had visited myself. The change in my existence, the change in my personality, the change in my nature…..oh my god, so many things have changed in me & I never realized it with the passing time. In this daily race between priorities of home, career & family I never thought of my own priorities. In fact, few days back, I was having some free time & that time I used to feel really lonely. I used to feel bad about my forlornness & tried to keep myself busy with some or other activities. I never tried to sit peacefully & think about myself. But after my yesterday’s encounter with solitude, I realized that I never wanted to be alone as I was running away from myself. I was missing the absence of others, as I wasn’t enjoying the presence of my own self. My rendezvous with solitude made me realize that I wasn’t considering my existence worthy enough to think about it. My solitude gave me the time to introspect & think about myself. It gave me the solutions to my so many unresolved problems. Well more surprising was that it wasn’t anyone else who gave me these solutions, it was me only who found out these solutions. It was me only who made me realize my inner strengths which I used to have. I remembered my struggle, my patience, my determination, my courage, my ambition & my dreams. I think somewhere in the daily rush of life, unhealthy competition & demanding relationships, I had lost myself. I had lost my inner drive & vivacity. Thanks to my solitude, I found these again. Earlier I had read a few things about solitude, but I realized the importance of it yesterday. I realized that you can only feel unhappy by your loneliness if you don’t enjoy your own company. I realized that its important to visit your own self once in a while to recognize your own strengths. I realized that if you are actually lost & you don't know the way ahead in your life, then you should just sit quietly & think peacefully for sometime and believe me, you will find some or other way out. I realized that the best & most peaceful moment of your day is when you are actually not speaking to anyone else but to yourself, your ears are not listening to anything else but to yourself & your eyes are not looking at anything else but at yourself.

Inner Strife

She was again bidding farewell to me with wet eyes & tight lips. The same inevitable question on her face – "when will you come again & for how many days"? Feeling really heavy since I have rejoined work after Diwali break. I don’t know why but this time I can’t forget the melancholic face of my mother, her sealed lips, her weak stature & her tearful eyes, which were having millions of unanswered questions. Maybe the realization of the fact that mom is getting old day by is impressing upon me. Maybe its sinking in me now that she will not be there with me forever. Maybe its difficult to accept that now I will never be able to spend my life at my home in the same carefree way as I used to do as a kid.
Since, the day I have started to work, I think I have hardly spent a few days at my home with my family because of the stringent leave policy of my company. Earlier it used to be a week’s long trip to my home town twice a year but after getting married, those very short holiday trips got further subdivided between my in-laws place & my mom’s place with naturally more number of days to be spent at in-laws place as it is expected from a girl to give the first priority to husband’s family after marriage. To be very precise, I think I have spent total 5 days at my home in past 14 months.
Sometimes, I wonder on all those who are like me, I mean those who have left their hometowns for making a career at metros or abroad. Are they all happy with their job & money? Are our jobs worth the love & relationships, which we have left behind? Can our money ever give us the same satisfaction, love & happiness, which we used to have alongwith our parents? Aren’t we selfish kids who have left our parents behind at the time when they need us the most?
Well, I know that our parents sacrifice a lot for our good upbringing & education & so its very important for us to have a good career & earn money. Even if I know the hard realities of life & the importance of money & career, then too, I am feeling restless. I am feeling jittery to realize that with the passage of time, mom is getting older & after some years she will not be there. Despite, this inevitable realization, I know that I will be able to spend only those 5 to 6 days with her every year because of job and marriage. My rational brain says that I need to pursue my job & career but my emotional side wants to leave this job, career & everything and return back home and be the same little girl who used to find the world in her mother’s arms………