Posted the following posts on Marketing Chit-Chat. Would love to see your comments there:
Posted the following posts on Marketing Chit-Chat. Would love to see your comments there:
A chain of thoughts which keeps haunting my mind, same sequence, same intensity, that trail of thought which just can’t get out of my mind:
That one call on 5th evening…my generally optimistic nature first thinking it’s some hoax call…me continuing with my work never expecting that second call…second call from police…that absolute shock…another call from my mother…frozen mind & body…telling some false story to my mom & asking her to rush to Delhi…we running to airport…& then calls & calls & calls…last flight to Delhi missed & we back to home…that inexplicable state…my yowls, my tears, my wailing, my banging of head…but still a faint hope that the news is not true…another reassurance call from my brother in law who reached the spot & confirmed the news…that horror on the realization of the truth…that nightmare of waiting for the next early morning flight…that flight to Delhi which never seemed to end…reaching Delhi finally…meeting my mother…her hope with which she was praying whole night for Kishu to be out of ICU, totally unaware that Kishu actually never reached ICU…he died on the spot itself...that moment when I had to slowly tell her that he is no more…ohhhh why I only had do this…her sudden roar…her eyes…her reactions…& then her silence…me meeting Kishu in morgue…his body in that cold room…in that drawer…on that ice…his face…his closed eyes…that touch which was as cold as ice…realization of the word “kishu’s death”…still an expectation that he will get up & say “Dids” the way he always used to say with a big smile on his face…but no smile, no voice, no reaction…just an icy cold silence…he again being pushed & locked back into that drawer…the whole formalities of taking his body back to our home town…at the airport realization of this big change in our life by finding that Kishu’s body is going in a coffin along with luggage while we are sitting in flight…he could not go with us, he was no more a living passenger…he was packed in a box…reaching our home town…meeting the relatives…his body lying on the same verandah where we all had grown up playing & fighting with each other…that white sheet…flowers on him…people touching his feet…he was no more my younger crazy brother…people treating him like god…but his face still looking as if he will open his eyes & says “Dids”…mom totally out of scene from all this till now…nobody having the courage to ask her to see all this…me getting torn apart internally but still doing all rituals on behalf of mom…convincing mom to come & bid him a final goodbye…that final goodbye which I myself never wanted to bid…fainting of mom after seeing Kishu’s body on floor…me shouting from deep within requesting people to not take him away…me howling…me wailing…me holding his body…but still they took him away…away & far away! So far that he could never come back from there again…
And then either an internal voice or a voice from somebody around me will tell, “Kanu stop thinking, you need to get over this”…Yes, I know I need to get over my thoughts but can I? All I have learnt in last 9 weeks is that there are certain thoughts & pain which you can never get over with…NEVER! You just somehow learn to live with it…live or survive not sure, but you learn to bear that pain either for yours or for your closed one’s sake!
It’s yet another Thursday today…one more week has passed…
A chain of thoughts which keeps haunting my mind, same sequence, same intensity, that trail of thought which just can’t get out of my mind:
That one call on 5th evening…my generally optimistic nature first thinking it’s some hoax call…me continuing with my work never expecting that second call…second call from police…that absolute shock…another call from my mother…frozen mind & body…telling some false story to my mom & asking her to rush to Delhi…we running to airport…& then calls & calls & calls…last flight to Delhi missed & we back to home…that inexplicable state…my yowls, my tears, my wailing, my banging of head…but still a faint hope that the news is not true…another reassurance call from my brother in law who reached the spot & confirmed the news…that horror on the realization of the truth…that nightmare of waiting for the next early morning flight…that flight to Delhi which never seemed to end…reaching Delhi finally…meeting my mother…her hope with which she was praying whole night for Kishu to be out of ICU, totally unaware that Kishu actually never reached ICU…he died on the spot itself...that moment when I had to slowly tell her that he is no more…ohhhh why I only had do this…her sudden roar…her eyes…her reactions…& then her silence…me meeting Kishu in morgue…his body in that cold room…in that drawer…on that ice…his face…his closed eyes…that touch which was as cold as ice…realization of the word “kishu’s death”…still an expectation that he will get up & say “Dids” the way he always used to say with a big smile on his face…but no smile, no voice, no reaction…just an icy cold silence…he again being pushed & locked back into that drawer…the whole formalities of taking his body back to our home town…at the airport realization of this big change in our life by finding that Kishu’s body is going in a coffin along with luggage while we are sitting in flight…he could not go with us, he was no more a living passenger…he was packed in a box…reaching our home town…meeting the relatives…his body lying on the same verandah where we all had grown up playing & fighting with each other…that white sheet…flowers on him…people touching his feet…he was no more my younger crazy brother…people treating him like god…but his face still looking as if he will open his eyes & says “Dids”…mom totally out of scene from all this till now…nobody having the courage to ask her to see all this…me getting torn apart internally but still doing all rituals on behalf of mom…convincing mom to come & bid him a final goodbye…that final goodbye which I myself never wanted to bid…fainting of mom after seeing Kishu’s body on floor…me shouting from deep within requesting people to not take him away…me howling…me wailing…me holding his body…but still they took him away…away & far away! So far that he could never come back from there again…
And then either an internal voice or a voice from somebody around me will tell, “Kanu stop thinking, you need to get over this”…Yes, I know I need to get over my thoughts but can I? All I have learnt in last 9 weeks is that there are certain thoughts & pain which you can never get over with…NEVER! You just somehow learn to live with it…live or survive not sure, but you learn to bear that pain either for yours or for your closed one’s sake!
It’s yet another Thursday today…one more week has passed…
Well, I think a must read book for women who enjoy reading chick-lit or light flicks :-). And here is why: Well, I think a must read book for women who enjoy reading chick-lit or light flicks :-). And here is why:
Sorrow you can hold, however desolating, if nobody speaks to you. If they speak, you break down. ~Bede Jarrett
Read this quote on a website yesterday morning & thought of posting it on my blog but for some reason didn’t do it. When I read it today yet again I couldn’t resist myself from sharing it here. I find this quote to be so relatable & so very true. I am trying to overcome the pain but somehow find it to be too deep to overcome. Rational mind says that I need to hold my tears back but there is this emotional force deep within which always overcomes my rational mind these days. Colleagues & friends around me say that there is no point in being silent and I need to speak it out…& that silence is the refuge which cowards or depressed people take, the courageous ones speak & fight it out! But then they don’t know that speaking has its own disadvantages too. I think if I am silent, I can still manage to hold back my sorrow but if I speak esp. to my closed ones I can’t help myself from breaking down. I understand that I can’t keep on crying in office & I try to keep myself composed as much as possible but despite me trying to avoid this colleague of mine with whom I am close, when I met her last week I couldn’t hold back my tears at all. Yesterday some close friends visited my place & again despite N convincing me & me being mentally prepared to not cry in front of them, I couldn’t stop myself from breaking down…when they sat near me or touched my hand I just couldn’t. I don’t know if it’s my own weakness / cowardice or the proximity which I share with them which made me do so but then there are certain behavior to which no logic or rationale can be applied. It is true – “you can hold your sorrow if nobody speaks to you but if they speak you can’t”.
Sorrow you can hold, however desolating, if nobody speaks to you. If they speak, you break down. ~Bede Jarrett
Read this quote on a website yesterday morning & thought of posting it on my blog but for some reason didn’t do it. When I read it today yet again I couldn’t resist myself from sharing it here. I find this quote to be so relatable & so very true. I am trying to overcome the pain but somehow find it to be too deep to overcome. Rational mind says that I need to hold my tears back but there is this emotional force deep within which always overcomes my rational mind these days. Colleagues & friends around me say that there is no point in being silent and I need to speak it out…& that silence is the refuge which cowards or depressed people take, the courageous ones speak & fight it out! But then they don’t know that speaking has its own disadvantages too. I think if I am silent, I can still manage to hold back my sorrow but if I speak esp. to my closed ones I can’t help myself from breaking down. I understand that I can’t keep on crying in office & I try to keep myself composed as much as possible but despite me trying to avoid this colleague of mine with whom I am close, when I met her last week I couldn’t hold back my tears at all. Yesterday some close friends visited my place & again despite N convincing me & me being mentally prepared to not cry in front of them, I couldn’t stop myself from breaking down…when they sat near me or touched my hand I just couldn’t. I don’t know if it’s my own weakness / cowardice or the proximity which I share with them which made me do so but then there are certain behavior to which no logic or rationale can be applied. It is true – “you can hold your sorrow if nobody speaks to you but if they speak you can’t”.
N insists that I should try to get back to normal life slowly…I have resumed back work but he wants me to divert my mind to those things which I used to enjoy earlier like painting, blogging, cooking etc. Even my closest friend insists me to do so & I know both of them are saying it for my benefit only. It’s for their sake that I started to write this post today…but don’t know what to write. I think I opened a blank page in the morning but all I could feel is blank and numb. Trust me N & T, I don’t know how to get back to life again…I am trying, I really am but it is difficult…difficult & difficult. I know its 31 days today, almost a month since Kishu left us but tell me, is it possible to overcome a life-long association in just 31 days? It pains, really pains deep inside, something which I can’t express in words…I can’t divert my mind to anything but to think as to how am I supposed to live my whole life without my brother without whom I couldn’t have even imagined one day of my life? Why did God decide to take such a young soul away and how am I supposed to react after seeing my stone-eyed mom who had to bear the worst pain of her life without any fault? When I could not get over the death of my friend since last 8 months, how am I supposed to deal with a loss as big as Kishu? It is excruciating & unbearable…& cruel & ... words fail!
N insists that I should try to get back to normal life slowly…I have resumed back work but he wants me to divert my mind to those things which I used to enjoy earlier like painting, blogging, cooking etc. Even my closest friend insists me to do so & I know both of them are saying it for my benefit only. It’s for their sake that I started to write this post today…but don’t know what to write. I think I opened a blank page in the morning but all I could feel is blank and numb. Trust me N & T, I don’t know how to get back to life again…I am trying, I really am but it is difficult…difficult & difficult. I know its 31 days today, almost a month since Kishu left us but tell me, is it possible to overcome a life-long association in just 31 days? It pains, really pains deep inside, something which I can’t express in words…I can’t divert my mind to anything but to think as to how am I supposed to live my whole life without my brother without whom I couldn’t have even imagined one day of my life? Why did God decide to take such a young soul away and how am I supposed to react after seeing my stone-eyed mom who had to bear the worst pain of her life without any fault? When I could not get over the death of my friend since last 8 months, how am I supposed to deal with a loss as big as Kishu? It is excruciating & unbearable…& cruel & ... words fail!
.jpg)
Posts
All Comments
