Isn't optimism overrated?

Have finally let go of it…had to do it. Evaluated the priorities of my life and finally took this call. At times I’m repenting my decision whereas at times I’m thinking, it was just another opportunity…when we can bear the loss of the most loved ones, what is there in a missed opportunity? Yes, it was a very lucrative one, something which was really-really nice but still I decided to let it go in a hope to fulfill some larger objectives of my life. Those objectives after which I’m running for months now but with no result! Those objectives which have made me miss some equally attractive opportunities in past few months but still I want to run after this one as somewhere I think in the long run this one is more important for life. I’ve no idea if I’m doing right or wrong, no idea if I will get similar kinda opportunities in future but still I’m missing these with a hope that my decisions will prove to be right someday & things will turn out better. “Hope for better” is all I can think of in such a state of mind. Yes I’m apprehensive, anxious, worried, confused, depressed, feeling low & negative too…you heard it right; I’m feeling negative and not positive towards things right now! I’m not sure how am I supposed to feel optimistic about life when despite all my efforts, things are just not turning the right way for years now. And for a change I don’t wanna follow the bandwagon of “pseudo-optimism”. I want to accept my real feelings and the realities they way they are right now.

The last two weeks of my decision making phase has made me more & more contemplative towards so many things. Be positive! Optimistic raho toh sab theek ho jayega! Don’t regret! Always look on the brighter side of life! Never repent your decisions in life! Whatever happens is for good, so always think positive in life! Indecisiveness and confusions are the traits of feeble minds, strong ones take a decision & move on! Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah….Every other person whom I meet these days speaks no less than any motivational guru and out of all, the crowns for the most used (or shall I say abused) buzzwords definitely go to…OPTIMISIM & DECISION MAKING. I’m also aware that there are some colleagues, relatives, formal friends and professional acquaintances who read my this blog now (thanks to Google, finding this link is quite a simple task) and somehow this realization had actually let me become conscious of topics to be posted on my blogs for past few months. Honestly speaking there are times when I’ve written a post but have not posted thinking, “oh, this post might make me sound like a negative person” or “am I the only one who is so indecisive in life, rest all seem to be so confident & positive.” But somehow today I don’t feel like restricting myself from posting this one even if I’m aware that this will project me as a confused personality who gets depressed at times in life. I don’t think there is anything wrong in that. In fact the recent mantra of “forever optimistic” or “assume a crap to be candy & it will turn into a candy” is something which I don’t buy in. I have had arguments with people on realism vs. optimism and the other side has always won saying, “positive sochne se achcha hota hai” or “go with the flow & life will be fine”…well, does it really? If you’re aware that the flow which you are going along with is going to end in pits, then why not change your course before hand, why optimistically wait for the pit to get converted in a straight road? If you’re on a crossroad where both directions seem to be equally appealing & both are sort of life changing directions for you, then how are you not supposed to be indecisive & confused about it? Positive thinking is fine but it DOES NOT & CAN NOT help you in all situations. I have so many case-in-points where I have seen my thinking getting true but somehow have not been able to voice it loudly as my concerns are generally being taken as unnecessary apprehensions. Call me cynical but I do think (& strongly so) that this term “optimism” & the theory of “prove the world that you’re confident” are just too overrated. I have enough case studies and examples to elaborate the same & I will definitely do so in one of my subsequent posts when I will have more time to write a long one for I do feel that terms like “optimism (prefix: pseudo)”, “confidence (prefix: forced)”, “decision making (prefix: irrational)” are doing more bad than good to many of us.

Long live Indian comic characters

Was off on a trip to different places up north in January & what a deadly weather it was this time! Chilling cold with dense fog leading to almost zero visibility on roads, did not see sunlight for the whole of 18 days during my trip and traveling to different cities was just so painful. Either flights / trains were canceled or were running abnormally late. One such trip was my return to Delhi from Varanasi via train. Though the train was running quite late but since I was traveling by train after a long time, I was sort of excited at the prospect of eating those station foods (esp. hot omelets & boiled eggs) and buying books from the station stalls. There is something very different about train journeys & buying books from railway strand stalls, it somehow makes me nostalgic about my childhood, hostel life, vacations when I used to go home by train and definitely – definitely used to buy books from station hawkers –comics, magazines, novels (of course only those which were affordable in my very limited budget then ;)) …aha loads of them which I used to devour on whole journey. And so when the train stopped at a small station during this trip in the morning, the first thing which my eyes started to search for was a magazine stall. Even with dense fog, it was not difficult to spot a vendor just outside my window and guess what! He was having Billoo! And Pinki! And Chacha Chowdhary too! Oh wow…ultimate delight I must say. After how long, I got to see those comics. I do get to buy Archies & Tintin while book browsing on Airports or during my occasional book shopping in Bangalore but then Billoo, Pinki and that too hindi versions are almost extinct from these big city book stores. If I’m not wrong today’s generation kids must not be even aware of these iconic Indian comic characters. In fact these kids esp. the ones from bigger cities are so Archified or Tintinised that they can’t even relate to the simple existence of a character like Billoo or Pinki. I remember few months back, one of my cousin’s son reading English Billoo and saying, “ yeh kya bakwaas hai,yeh bhi koi comic hai”! When my cousin tried to explain the fun part of it, the kiddoo replied, “Mom, I can’t laugh at these stupid jokes”. Slamming the book on table, that 9 year old kid logged onto his Orkut account and started chatting with his friends.
But for me reading those comics after soooo long was great fun. Read it at a stretch & then after seeing a Billoo in my hand, even pati ji got out of his deep sleep and grabbed the book immediately :-). Even after all these years, I didn’t get bored of even one single page. Yeah, at times did get the feeling of “did we actually read all these silly stuffs” but then honestly speaking I love such silliness till now. Long live Indian comic characters – Billoo Rocks, Pinki Rules & Chacha Chowdhary ka dimag abhi bhi computer se tez chalta hai :P

Life goes on???

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, … 365. 365 days i.e., 1 full year without him. Its 5th February today, the fateful date when Kishu left us forever exactly an year back. Whole day today I’ve been trying to maintain my composure at work & divert my mind from thoughts of last year but as the day is drawing to an end, I can’t help myself from remembering that one phone call which came on 5th evening and changed our lives forever. I don’t think I can manage words to express my pain & angst against this day, the shock of last year and the agony since then... And what surprises me is the fact that we all are living without him, for last 27 years not even a single day used to go without talking to him and now its 365 days that I have not heard his voice but still I’m alive…life is going on...happily or unhappily, willingly or unwillingly… something which was unimaginable till last 5th, now is an accepted truth. An acceptance which has been enforced on us very brutally, how brutal it is can only be explained by the lonely eyes of my mom, the insecured eyes of Kaushik or the forever frightened and depressed heart of mine! As I write this post I feel strange, more than sadness, it’s perhaps anger against the unjust…

How selfish we human beings are, we learn to live without a person, without whom not even a single moment was imaginable. Yes, I do feel guilty whenever I have laughed in last one year, I do feel strange whenever I realize that our life is going on without Kishu but then I wonder did I have any other alternative than surviving through this? Seconds, minutes, hours, days, months and now one year of his absence from our lives, the absence which can never be filled by anything or anyone ever again…with each moment we miss him more & more & more...for we know that now we will never be able to see him again...