Yet another 5th Feb, yet another reminder of 5th Feb 2009. 2 years…730 days without Kishu! Life goes on but can never be same, yes it does move on but with a brutal pain. Today also when I look at his photo it feels like he will speak any moment and laugh his loud laugh again…but alas certain wishes just remain wishes forever and certain realities are too illusive to accept. Earlier it was painful to remember him but now I do it purposefully as memories of Kishu are the only things left with us and I just don't want to fade it ever. Wherever he is, I just hope he is fine and happy in a new life… can’t even say we miss him as till now we have not forgotten him even for a moment to miss him...

death · Kishu · life

Yet another 5th Feb!

Yet another 5th Feb, yet another reminder of 5th Feb 2009. 2 years…730 days without Kishu! Life goes on but can never be same, yes it does move on but with a brutal pain. Today also when I look at his photo it feels like he will speak any moment and laugh his loud laugh again…but alas certain wishes just remain wishes forever and certain realities are too illusive to accept. Earlier it was painful to remember him but now I do it purposefully as memories of Kishu are the only things left with us and I just don't want to fade it ever. Wherever he is, I just hope he is fine and happy in a new life… can’t even say we miss him as till now we have not forgotten him even for a moment to miss him...

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, … 365. 365 days i.e., 1 full year without him. Its 5th February today, the fateful date when Kishu left us forever exactly an year back. Whole day today I’ve been trying to maintain my composure at work & divert my mind from thoughts of last year but as the day is drawing to an end, I can’t help myself from remembering that one phone call which came on 5th evening and changed our lives forever. I don’t think I can manage words to express my pain & angst against this day, the shock of last year and the agony since then... And what surprises me is the fact that we all are living without him, for last 27 years not even a single day used to go without talking to him and now its 365 days that I have not heard his voice but still I’m alive…life is going on...happily or unhappily, willingly or unwillingly… something which was unimaginable till last 5th, now is an accepted truth. An acceptance which has been enforced on us very brutally, how brutal it is can only be explained by the lonely eyes of my mom, the insecured eyes of Kaushik or the forever frightened and depressed heart of mine! As I write this post I feel strange, more than sadness, it’s perhaps anger against the unjust…

How selfish we human beings are, we learn to live without a person, without whom not even a single moment was imaginable. Yes, I do feel guilty whenever I have laughed in last one year, I do feel strange whenever I realize that our life is going on without Kishu but then I wonder did I have any other alternative than surviving through this? Seconds, minutes, hours, days, months and now one year of his absence from our lives, the absence which can never be filled by anything or anyone ever again…with each moment we miss him more & more & more...for we know that now we will never be able to see him again...

death · Kishu · Musings

Life goes on???

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, … 365. 365 days i.e., 1 full year without him. Its 5th February today, the fateful date when Kishu left us forever exactly an year back. Whole day today I’ve been trying to maintain my composure at work & divert my mind from thoughts of last year but as the day is drawing to an end, I can’t help myself from remembering that one phone call which came on 5th evening and changed our lives forever. I don’t think I can manage words to express my pain & angst against this day, the shock of last year and the agony since then... And what surprises me is the fact that we all are living without him, for last 27 years not even a single day used to go without talking to him and now its 365 days that I have not heard his voice but still I’m alive…life is going on...happily or unhappily, willingly or unwillingly… something which was unimaginable till last 5th, now is an accepted truth. An acceptance which has been enforced on us very brutally, how brutal it is can only be explained by the lonely eyes of my mom, the insecured eyes of Kaushik or the forever frightened and depressed heart of mine! As I write this post I feel strange, more than sadness, it’s perhaps anger against the unjust…

How selfish we human beings are, we learn to live without a person, without whom not even a single moment was imaginable. Yes, I do feel guilty whenever I have laughed in last one year, I do feel strange whenever I realize that our life is going on without Kishu but then I wonder did I have any other alternative than surviving through this? Seconds, minutes, hours, days, months and now one year of his absence from our lives, the absence which can never be filled by anything or anyone ever again…with each moment we miss him more & more & more...for we know that now we will never be able to see him again...