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The New Stuff

Of Relationships - Part 1

This is not the first rather third incidence, which I would have heard in last one month. Yet another close couple separating their ways and yet again in a very ugly way! Friends’ going through divorce has become a common norm these days, earlier we used to get surprised a lot but now it has sort of become acceptable to us. In some cases its better that they separated their ways and in others we kept on wondering why did they do so, wasn’t it too small a reason to end their relationship? But as we know, to each its own and we can’t be judgmental about any relationship esp. of a very personal relationship like husband and wife. But you know in some cases, it does feel bad when you see them going through emotional trauma of separation for weeks and months together. Some are smart but not all are yet adapted to this “move on” philosophy in life and they go through hell lot of turbulence inside to accept this “moving on” funda.

Now the reason to write this post is a different observation in all these three divorces – in all three cases its the women who have walked out of their relationship. Nothing wrong in that and being a liberal woman myself I am of very strong opinion that in today’s age women are not bound to accept the male dominance in any relationship. If it’s not working out for them, they have equal rights to seek liberty from a bad relationship as against continuing to be the bearer of miseries forever. But then, being married for sometime now, I also believe that marriages can’t run on ego, one needs to adjust and adapt to the relationship and continuously work on it to keep it lively and enjoyable. Then, why am I surprised to see these women walking out of their relationships? Well, let me describe one case here and then would love to hear your opinion on this.

So, this couple had gone for a love marriage, knew each other for at least 4 years before they got married. They stay in a nuclear family; husband’s mom (father not there) stays in her hometown but occasionally comes to visit them once or twice a year. He is the only child and lost his father at very young age, mom brought him single-handedly and ensured to give him good education and career. Girl knew all this earlier as well though somehow she could never adjust to her mother in law even if her visits used to be for hardly a month in a year. The conflict has mainly been between the lifestyle differences plus the girl being a metro bred one was never ok with her old MIL staying with them. She never had seen any of her grand parents staying with them in their household and was not willing to put up with additional responsibilities in her life. We always felt that the girl was too rude, too arrogant and too independent for a married life with a middle class family oriented man, but then you know we are no one to make any such judgments on their relationships. Though as neighbors we always knew that there used to be chaos and this girl used to shout at top of his voice on her MIL, at times we used to wonder how can someone shout like that on her husband’s mom but then…

This girl is a popular social media figure, has enough of Facebook fans, Twitter following and blog readers in front of whom she has created a perfect image. And why not, after all it’s so easy to project this “perfect” image in virtual world, to add to that she is quite chatty and good at networking. She has so called friends who are mainly her friends from virtual world and who think that this girl is just too happening and cool! We’re sure half of her these virtual friends have not met her even once, though as it goes in social media these days – ‘you follow me, I follow you’; ‘I crib and you give me twugs, you crib and I give you awww baby hugs’; ‘you like my comments and I like yours’. Same was the case with her, this girl will crib and criticize about her MIL and how miserable her married life is, that she is going through domestic violence and she has enough such virtual friends and pseudo counselors who will come and tell her things like “awwww baby, you must not tolerate this shit and don’t worry we are with you”! I have no idea how are they going to be with her when she has now decided to walk out of her relationship only because her husband has not agreed to her terms of cutting off all his terms with his mother. We were there when that last fight was going on, the girl stormed out of her house and said, “you wanna see what can I do to you if you will not agree to me”, she hurt her hand badly by banging it on the gate and then ran outside, went to the nearest police station and complained with teary eyes that she has been beaten by her husband! The guy was in lock up whole night…anyways they are now on a path to separation and which is happening in a very ugly way. Girl has put enough blame on him and has always threatened him to spoil his image badly. But obviously she had some husband’s friends also in her Facebook friend’s list and every time she puts one such comments about her bad MIL or sad married life, husband had to face enough embarrassment. Though husband’s friends know him and his personality but then this virtual gang of hers is too large in a number. Few real ones tried to comment on her blog posts about some bit of realities as against the perception which she has built but now she has made her blog private.

We have no idea what she is up to, why she went ahead and got her 4 month pregnancy aborted just because she does not want to have any “liability” from her relationship with her current husband and how can people console her without knowing the reality by saying stuffs like “ohhhh poor gal, don’t worry everything will be fine and don’t take any shit from that man, we are there with you”.

Hmmmm…. having spent some good amount of time with them we do feel sad for them and more for her… we think she is living in a mirage and her virtual existence has dominated her real one totally. She thinks she is sort of a celebrity and she has enough help available for her esp. with so many people justifying her stance. But wonder how many of them are for real and will they have same opinion when they will come to know of some realities of their life? Will they really come to help her or share her loneliness in real life?

Do you also think that these days virtual personalities are dominating the real ones for some people? Do you think that virtual successes of some people actually get on to their heads? Do you think that its good to be judgmental and offer blind support to someone esp. in as serious matters as relationships and separation just because you don’t want to lose that follower of yours on twitter or regular commentator on your blog?

This is just one incidence, I will come back with few more such real life cases as I do see it happening around me and at an increasing rate now.


tellmeyourdreams said...

nice eye my part of the world such instances are not so common though i must say there is a "rising trend" in separation if not a complete divorce

Pragya said...

Made me really sad:-(
But even I know a gal, who is like more happy in her virtual world,and you know I have observed that she is more happy sharing crap online and getting support from her virtual friends. And I try digging and understanding as to why she does so..the reason that I think is that somewhere these kind of people know that what they are doing and all is wrong and they are also aware that probably nobody will really support them..
Also, if you look into their past,especially their childhood, you probably can get all your answers..
and yeah, I do agree that these days virtual personalities are dominating the real ones for some people.

Rhett said...

Baby aborted... omg... i felt a jolt in my stomach when I read that... guess what she'd have tweeted when she took d decision!
I think it is important to be grounded when one does have an active virtual life coz you sort of think you can depend on it when things go wrong in the real life.
But the virtual life is only a blank screen - its a hollow without any pit - one day when you realize that you wana take the real life more seriously instead of tweeting and spending time on facebook. Virtual life is such a hollow you can't even crash and burn properly if you want to. So I think its best to just share a hobby online and not share whole life!

Jack said...


Visiting after a gap. Read pending posts and left comments on each. I forgot to ask in previous one, how are you keeping now. On this one, I always say that for a happy marriage both partners have to understand each other and make adjustments. It can not be 50-50 or you do this and I will do this. I read in one of the blogs " instead of looking for a perfect partner one should try to be one". And I feel this applies to both, husband and wife. In this case, may I request you to eleborate role of her parents and her siblings . As per my knowledge almost 80% plus cases of divorce are due to over interference of girl's parents. Ego is most harmful in any type of relationship. I have written a post in 3 parts in Oct-Nov 2009 on Happy Married Life giving expectations and responsibilities of each person involved. I would appreciate your views on that. Even the judiciary has realised misuse of Domestic Violence Act. I think I should stop now as this may be longer than post if I continue.

Take care

Smita said...

This is so sad but yes I agree with you that sometimes the virtual existence takes over your real self. I have seen ppl on twitter, how they ganag up against one persion & leave no stone unturned to malign or rather pounce on him/ her. The flip side of virtual frenships is that we see only one side of a person i.e. the side which they show to us (and largely it is far away from their original self). And ppl very easily chadhao u on chane ka jhaad and the success (so called) gets on ppls head!!!!

I hope this girl sees the ground reality very soon!

Renu said...

very heart felt post..and felt so sad, but I see this happening all around me...and a lot of blame goes to parents who bring up this type of daughters, who are takers only.
I think that boy is better off without this girl.

I find lot of hippocracy in this virtual world, where nobody reads posts because they are good, but just for increasing the nos...I nevr go to the blogs where the hosts values dont match mine, because I dont believe in making friends like that.
and I feel very sad with the seaparation and wish there are some ways where one can put someawareness in such girls about life.
BTW thanks for asking me:)..I am out of town busy with my mother and siblings:)

Sindhu :) said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sindhu :) said...

Makes me go WTF!

Are people really thinking that their popularity online is what makes them happy in real life? If she really ever was in trouble and dropped into the houses of any of those 'we-are-with-you' 'friends' - would they actually take care of her and do everything they promised her virtually?

With women like this around us, when men complain about women misusing pro-woman laws (esp. Sec. 498A) and all and basically end up with a negative view about most the female clan - you really can't blame them!

[P.S. - Can you please delete the previous comment? :)]

Kanupriya said...

@Tellmeyourdreams: Trust me its alarmingly increasing at least in this side of the company, I know of many in my circle only.

@Pragya: Thanks for dropping by my blog, would have been good if you would have dropped your link too, so that I could have reached you. No idea about the connection with past as I know some people with disturbed childhood but they are far more matured than these attention seeker kind of people. And yes as you said, the virtual ones being dominant is observed in some people around us. Nothing wrong in having a virtual personality and enjoying that part of social world as well but ones needs to be grounded to the reality as well.

Kanupriya said...

@Rhett: Absolutely, being grounded is the key, otherwise I'm not against virtual existence.

@Jack: I'm doing fine, how r u? And I don't have much idea about her parents, she did not have any sibling and parents were very rich. i only observed them in one case where without understanding the real problem they kept on telling her that if she has gone for love marriage this does not mean she needs to tolerate her husband or inlaw, they can take care of her always if she decides to walk out of the relationship.

Kanupriya said...

@ Smita: Yes, as you said it right - "The flip side of virtual frenships is that we see only one side of a person i.e. the side which they show to us". There is no harm in having virtual friendships but such friends should stop being judgmental about other relationships without knowing the realities of both sides.

@ Renu: Ya the boy was better off without her, but thanks to the misuse of Indian laws, this gal had put him in enough troubles. he was running from pillar to post justifying his stance that he had never done any kind of domestic violence against that gal.Finally he left the city and now we have no idea on what is happening with him.

Kanupriya said...

@Sindhu: Ah I realized the typo in your earlier comment and its deleted already :). Good to see you back in blogging. Yes, laws are made to help women, unfortunately the real needy ones don't even know of these laws and those who are aware of it are actually misutilising it!

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